You work out of a Hotel?
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
I'm really interested in the size of his penis so report back on that one
She bruised my penis again. But, trooper I am we kept on going.
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
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