i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
Randomize
