I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
I cant date a girl that sucks dick at sucking dick
I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public?
a guy tried paying for lapdances with cds, who uses those anymore?
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
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