I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
How wet are you?
Ever heard of a U-boat?
She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
Randomize
