We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
THEY SHOULD WARN YOU WHEN THEY MAKE JELLO SHOTS WITH JACK DANIELS!!! THEY SHOULD WARN YOU!!!!!!!
And your hair- I'd make sure to pee on it first.
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
So heartbroken my rebound has a rebound
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
You spent the whole night conversing with your zombie poster, so I'd say you were pretty far gone.
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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