apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
I'm sorry but all I really read was "my nipples will get hard."
i can't tell if you're serious or not, but 420 is gonna be pirate themed
Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
i just remember sliding through the snow and yelling i love america before puking on the oncoming cars
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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