Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
He choked me out. i woke up to poo. I dont think i like S&M
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
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