in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
you handled that situation with as much grace as someone puking involuntarily could
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
I just rolled a blunt at my desk. Happy early Friday!
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
Well... Chad blew off half of his hand last night. We were able to find most of it.
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
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