the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
still wasted. at home depot . just threw up in one of the demo showers. not okay.
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
A shower wasnt enough to wash off the shame but at least it took care off the blood.
I really wanna know when trying to grow up turned into try not to throw up.
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
Oh and apparently something happened that was related to "THIS IS SPARTA" but no one will tell me what I did.
So I'm going to blame my boobs hurting on that.
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
And ANOTHER guy that I once got naked is doing gay porn now. Wtf? Am I the audition?!
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