what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
I feel great
I just peed on a car
For what it's worth, your chances of anal go up the more she loves you. There's always a silver lining.
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
Although I love the reason it was done, can you maybe not show pictures of my dick to all your friends at parties? I like to present my penis in my own special way. thanks
he stopped during sex, told me i smelled like McDonald's and went harder..
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
Randomize
