where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
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Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
She dresses cool and she's mean. And she has fake boobs I feel like I can relate to her on so many levels.
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
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I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
So who has the penis shaped party tray? You or your mom?
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