tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
just letting you know that jen either: wasn't feeling well and ate grass to make herself throw up or threw up because she's stupid and ate grass
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
Just ignore the penis. It's won't bother you. I promise.
i'm 99% sure they had an orgy while i was passed out
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
i knew it was a party when i saw you sitting on the couch naked with the keg in your lap, still drinking and passing out cups
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
Randomize
