I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
i love how you can even make your typing come across bitchy
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
he passed out on the stove with a cup in his hand. yes the pictures are hilarious
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
