Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
I swear god or herbie drove my car home
she acted like she'd never seen someone do speed off of a desk with a rolled up receipt. and she calls herself a grad student.
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
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Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
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I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
He was sucking my nipples then stopped, looked me dead in the eyes and said "im gonna cum for my babygirl"
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
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