i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
she is medically diagnosed as a nympho. she has the paper to prove it. hell. fucking. yeah.
he then proceeded to tear down my curtains, wrap them around his waist, and use the rod as his "rod"... you tell me how drunk he is...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
Ladystoner tip: if eyes are bloodshot, lime green eyeliner makes them appear less red. its basic artt.
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
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