Excuse me do you have gonnorhea?
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
It was like inception, a dream, in a dream, in the back of a dodge charger.
I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?
Just took physics exam. I think this is one of those 'chuck it in the fuck-it bucket and become an art major' days
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
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