On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
I cant do that to my vagina yet. its my prize posession.
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
definitely good. no good can come from sex in a very full public venue.
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
Randomize
