I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
i always forget guys have bellybuttons
just read twilight to her over the phone, while in the bathtub, candlelight...i'd love to say no homo but that was so gay.
I'm gonna play a drinking game called "Sarah takes the train"
Did you know even strippers have to have GED's these days??
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.
It was pretty bad. Like cum-on-my-face-while-singing-Let-It-Snow bad.
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
That night just went downhill after you pissed yourself while sitting on my lap
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
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