i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
spending the week with her family was quite possibly the longest ive ever gone without having a boner
well i was about to unbutton his pants but then i realized they had an elastic waste-band, so no, that didnt happen
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
I dont know how I should feel about you making a 37 year old come visit you and then making him do the walk of shame from your dorm room...through campus
You continued to run around saying "free the nipple" while "taste testing" every liquor on the premises.
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
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