totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
Life is so much better after having sex.
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
You put your finger on my lips and told me 'the butt is nature's pocket'.
I don't remember that at all, but I stand by what I said
I just found out that order of 30 Beefy 5-Layers last weekend has achieved legendary status among the Taco Bell employees. Is there a Stoner Achievement for that?
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
Well I either feel like the fat girl or very accomplished because his bed is now broken in three places
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
We power houred with shots of red wine. Somehow we ended up with 7 bottles and lost Chris. Trying to find him this hungover is proving very unsuccessful.
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
Randomize
