On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
Your kinda stuck between a rock and his hard dick on this one..
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
I'll be really easy to find... I'm the naked one rolling around in cats.
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
A man in a black on black escalade pulled up next to me, and told me he was sent to pick me up by you.
His name is Tyreece. He will take you to the weed emporium, population me.
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
so on the street and some kid is chanting "cheeseburger, cheeseburger, cheeseburger!" while pumping his fist in the air. i agree.
Randomize
