He said we were driving the golf cart through the woods screaming 'iceroad truckers' for four hours in the dark
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
Climbing onto the roof in a dress and high heeled boots was probably not the best idea, especially after all that Bacardi.
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
He brought wine and beer. I'll put my pants on for wine and beer.
You want a summary? Scottish women that start drinking at 7 am. Cherries soaked in moonshine. Japanese beer. Old men smoking stuff that I'm pretty sure is illegal here and in Japan. One is doing a karaoke striptease. There's your summary.
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
I'm not sure I can continue to condone our having sex in all of your friends' beds
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
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