I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
you didnt know i had herpes?
It's official, my little sister has hooked up with more girls than I have.
I have discovered that there is nothing that a giant penis attached to a southern accent can't talk me into. yee-haw!
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
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