You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
once my pubes got caught on her snaggletooth it was all downhill from there
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
well this is gonna sound really bad but we were fooling around on sandra's electrical wheelchair
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
When he opened the car door the whole thing fell off. Even that can be forgiven via his monster cock.
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
My neck is sore from all the headbanging. And I can't tell the difference between the jello stains and cum stains.
Randomize
