He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
I thought short asians scared me, however seeing my first tall asian I'm terrified.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
The sweet smell of jungle juice and bad decisions is calling our name.
high as fuck. watching parent trap with my mom. keep missing my mouth.
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
Randomize
