Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
People Are Arguing Over This Guy’s Petty Reaction To Splitting Lunch With His Co-Worker
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
On a scale of 1 to 10 how hot is the girl you're about to fuck?
That's an oxymoron.
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
i took it, then realized you live 3 ours away. but if you start driving now, im almost positive I'll still be hard
Girl Logs Into Twitter Only To Find Out Her Dad Is Trending For The Most Outrageous Reason
so you know how I brush my teeth after I give you a bj? according to my dentist my teeth have never been cleaner. looks like this will be a recurring thing
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
yea so the plan to relive our college glory days was great and all but ending up in the er with alcohol poisoning was crossing the line