9 am. shotgunning while conditioning my hair. i love college football season.
well. it's seven AM and i'm too high to hula hoop.
I want a meaningful relationship and i wont get one if i keep giving him blow jobs in my basement while watching family guy.
i was that girl throwing up in the urinal. it was a dark moment in my life.
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
I have already put on my inside pants.
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.