All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
Well he has a girlfriend. So I told him that I wanted to have sex way more than I wanted to be a decent human being.
Fake an illness. Her and her friends are like the female version of guys who wear tapout shirts
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
Like I respect him so much I would suck his dick
In a very non respectful way
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
Randomize
