id be glad to
I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
So how much of last night are we going to pretend never happened? Enough to stay friends?
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
He is like a dragon that makes me want to spread my butt cheeks, so he can fill me with hot fire.
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
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