I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
Saw a guy smoking a cig holding it with a fork and driving WTF?
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
He freaked out when I started to orgasm. He said he never knew girls could orgasm too.
i think its awesome that according to your mom i'm your friend that caught on fire.
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
Just had a tranny complement my outfit. Looks like I'll have to change before we go out.
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
Randomize
