So #1 way to come back last night and #2 wishbone and I broke into his house and i opened joey's door and u were both passed out and pantless.
2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
i'm so high i feel like the people i'm chatting with online can some how see that i'm naked.
dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
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They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
Well, we ended up labeling the relationship. We are now each other's designated butt-toucher.
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
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