I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
He just left me a message saying he left the rest of the weed for me. Did i just get paid for sex? And if yes did i just get paid in drugs?
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
At front desk. Got a beer drinking pigeon.
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
I'm not sure. But a mason jar of drug free urine just as soon as anyone can would be so awesome.
I'm in the smoking section between a transvestite molly dealer and a group of juggalos. I shouldn't be that hard to find.
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
Randomize
