I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
Tickle wars 95% of the time end in sex.
no one is going to fuck you in a field of bunnies
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
The douche that always wears spandex at the gym just walked into class with a dick going into his mouth drawn on his face. The professor said "rough night" and he still has no idea. Tyring to get a pic
Idk if you remember me telling you about him, but I gave him a hj under the stars. Kind of added a little disney aspect to the whole experience.
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
i have a strong feeling that today will be a naked day for me...i don't feel like doing shit
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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