I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
Apparently I walked up to him, mumbled something incoherently, then started to make out with him. Why does this always happen.
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
I don't have time to shower before my passport photos...your cum is all over my hair...that's with me for 10 years now
He said that he made a girl squirt to the ceiling and I got curious
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
I’ve slept with a Senior, a Freshman and a Junior so far. I’m a Sophomore away from hitting for the cycle
You ran up to my room. I was naked. You refused to leave without drugs. I love you.
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