I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
I really shouldn't have to tell you to stop banging your lightsaber on everything while we are in college.
fuck that its my house. if i want to take 1 bite out of the chicken & leave the rest i fucking will. suck my dick
Say whatever you bloody well like; you don't know the true meaning of life until you have smoked to a Sade cd.
As long as he continues to be our subleaser and continues to fuck me, I think it's acceptable for me to steal a piece of bread here and there.
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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