so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
i got a mint flavored condom from wellness day...im kind of tempted to taste it
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
best. trip. ever. this is going to be too much fun. petland isnt going to know what hit them.
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
i thought this was a perfectly normal conversation between two adult men about why this children's cartoon is quality television but no you just gotta be talking shit again
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
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