can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
he pulled a $400 bottle of champagne out of the back part of his toiled and I was ready to blow him then and there
Dude between pissing everywhere and all of those frogs, that bathroom got wrecked.
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
I'm just gonna go with where the wind takes me. if it takes me to his dick, so be it.
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
i told them you weren't like that.. and they laughed at me?
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
If everyone felt the happiness from apple crown royal we would be in a better place
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Randomize
