All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
Am I the only one creeped out by the guy asleep behind our couch?
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
I was trying to be quiet until started to feel like my cock was being dipped in a rainbow and then I stopped caring temporarily
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
I'm just gonna start letting dudes eat it. American idol for my vagina
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
Randomize
