I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
Is it standard protocol to defriend someone after they give you chlamydia?
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
you're by far the better bro. your dick is more impressively sized, anyway
I hate that you know that from experience
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
i love you man. i hope we fuck some serious shit up this summer.
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
Random question: Have you ever woken up and were suprised to not have a penis?
Can you send me the pictures of me riding the penis
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
Randomize
