I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
Next time, dont ever let me talk to a guy drunk, especially if I have class with him the next day
Who do you have class with??
The guy that pulled down his pants in the middle of the dance floor to show me his tattoo
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
I thought since you asked to see my dick I might as well say hi
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
I'm not sure of this happened or if it was just a dream... But I vividly remember you walking down the street naked?
No actually I had socks on...
Do you ever just admire your boobs?
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