You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
I wish you could take over my body and feel what my nipple feels like right now
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
Thank you for the legal advice. I hope I can pay you in blow jobs.
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
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