I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
My roommate still talks on AIM. What is this middle school?
We're friends. And when I drunkenly send u a pic of my left testicle i would appreciate a response.
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
Randomize
