he chased her out of the bar yelling "TAKE MY VIRGINITY" and i havent seen her since
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
Well, I had a dudes gf walk in on us the next morning but nothing during...She shook my hand after I got dressed and said "nice to meet you with your clothes on" best moment of my life.
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
He literally knows my vagina better then I do.
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
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