every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
See? I told you no boy in roller skates could be entirely straight.
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
It was so small.
Tiny. Got to love sexting. Imagine finding out the old fashioned way.
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
Randomize
