How long do you need to date somebody until it is acceptable to fart in their presence?
The real question is how long do you need to date them to dutch oven them?
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
i came so much i feel like i were to try again, only dust would come out. and maybe glitter
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