She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
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I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
I'm so confused. I feel like I just intentionally took roofies to see where I'd end up.
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
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You were all "think outside the box, inside the bag!" as you filled your camelback with beer.
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
I've had pants off for 3 hours now. America.
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