you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
Let's not refer to him as Dustin. That makes him seek like a real person, not just a dick I would like to experience.
Woke up on the stairs at my parents house. Good start to vacation.
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
my star wars tattoo got me laid last night. definitely a dark side sort of benefit im thinking
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
Randomize
