dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
All i remember about last night is holding a bottle of bacardi and screaming challenge accepted!
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
Should I be concerned that he called me mom when I got in bed on top of him?
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
Randomize
