im six kinds of drunk right now
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
I just answered "If only I knew" for a quiz in criminology, she loved it. I got an A
I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
im swimming of confusion and bacardi. where do i go from herrrrrre
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
And to add, there was a fat guy right next to me who, when the girls would shake their butts, he would let out a shrill xena warrior princess cheer
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
eating pizza to get the taste of dick out my mouth wby
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