When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
Has now officially visited every ER in this city in one semester.
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
noooo, I woke up on his pack porch and the SUN WAS RISING. I saw red lights everywhere and heard sirens so I just ran for my life.
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
Do you know of any good hiding spots in the Atlanta area?
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
Randomize
