If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
Ok say I was sexually attracted to a patient who also happens to be in high school...on how many levels is that illegal? And will I actually hear the laws break when I fuck him
You left your underwear on the fireplace
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
I'm pretty sure my munchies are the only reason Good and Plenty is still around
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
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