i'm signing you up for texting rehab
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
Idgaf if he's a manwhore, he's like the mt. everest of penises. howcan I NOT try to put that inside me?
I am downstairs in the bar now having a beer...actually I ordered two beers and placed one across from me in front of an open chair. I did this for appearance sake, so nobody knew I was double fisting all alone. I'm getting hungry now. I'm thinking of ordering two meals just to keep appearances up.
This guy needs to come out; I can feel him sucking my dick from across the room.
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
Once he blows his load, he's more of an immediate flight risk than that jetBlue pilot. He's out the door before his cum is out of my vajayjay.
Just saw a tranny in a skimpy captain america costume walking around campus. Going to follow her. You gotta see this
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
Randomize
