Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
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Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
Night just started and I've already seen a woman headbutt a brick wall. Unintentionally. Epic to say the least
Hardest I think I've ever had to work for a shack. Whatevs. Still gonna get my way though. I'll start respecting myself on Monday
The bump on my forehead, i think, was from falling asleep at front door, on my knees, slumped over. But we played good music so what?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
Is there a sexuality term for 'only wants hatefucks'?
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