Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
I have been way too involved with your nipples this weekend
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
Bro I am trying to have one night stands nothing more, unless she is baking waffles I can eat out of her butthole I am not interested
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
Speaking of testosterone. I saw a girl with a moustache thicker than one I can grow last night...
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
he has the ass of a greek god and he made me breakfast
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
Remind me to tell you: When threeways go awry, my MLK weekend story.
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