The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
The guy is drinking 5 bottles of beer in a juice pitcher. Fucking amazing.
had to go back to that apartment this morning to get my other boot. it was tacked to the wall
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
Hey, you gotta think, is this REALLY the penis you wanna see for the rest of your life? THINK!
There is an alarming amount of urine in here.
hell or highwater he WILL get a blowjob in the hammock before the end of summer.
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
Do you ever just admire your boobs?
Randomize
