I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
So squirting runs in the family.
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
Btw had an awesome time last night. Found some blood on my shirt and ear but I'll chalk it up to the tequila shots.
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
Randomize
