O no, u 2 are dating again?
No. I just masturbate furiously to his picture
I just used Master P to describe what sound the letter U makes to my daughter...
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
Well, it's either jungle juice or memory of the night... It's unfortunate I can't have both
Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
i need to put some appletini on your dick
SOS... STANDING IN THE BAR NEXT TO MY BF AND THE GUY WHO I HOOKED UP WITH ON CHRISTMAS DAY..
I came on her face and asked if she wanted fries with that. Currently driving to McDonald's.
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
Randomize
