he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
No subtext here. People are naked.
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
I only know one person in my class and that's my dealer.
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
Randomize
