It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
REWARD BLOWJOB!! STAY RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE I'LL BE THERE IN FIVE MINUTES.
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
And he's a cuddle champ. I know because I slept over because I don't know what boundaries are.
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
Randomize
